Monday, July 25, 2005

Three more days

Im down to the last 3 days of my stay here in helsinki before heading home. Honestly, im not so excited about going home. I have lots of reasons why I dont want to go home. My past weeks here were the most sanity disorienting experience ive ever had in my entire life. I hope it never happens again because i might finally snap off. Here are the reasons why I dont want to go home:

1. My family is in chaos. Not really my atomic family but im referring to my extended family. First my preggy cousin's side who finally decided to lie about the real father of my cousin's kid. Pathetic! Next is another cousin's dad whom they suspect has another woman. That is so alarming!

2. My issues with the architect and his family finally made it's final blow. He passed away last july 17 at the age of 27.(may you rest in peace) he did not make it after his bypass operation. What concerns me is that we had a very very bad argument that friday before he left for good. his family blames me for his death because of that bad argument we had during the time he was trying to recover. I refuse to discuss this issue anymore because I dont think I am ready to talk about him.

3. My preggy cousin and I are not ok. Since we live in the same house, it's so hard to avoid her and act normal when she's around. She placed me in a very uncomfortable situation and I felt so betrayed. The hatred I feel for her is overwhelming that I have decided to finally put her in exile from my life. Hopefully this is not permanent. I am not ready to patch things with her nor am I ready to talk to her. I hate this feeling more than anything else!

i am going through a very tough emotional distress right now. I have always been a person who faces her problems head on. But then, i dont think i am capable of facing these things happening to me now. i wish they will just disappear. i wish things will be better. i already lifted everything to Him. this time, i am not anymore in control over my life.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Friendster Survey #9

1. what do your friends call you?
- my first name

2. is your bestfriend a girl?
- I HAVE BOTH GIRL AND GUY BESTFRIENDS

3. do you wear make-up
- BACK IN MANILA, YES. BUT HERE IN HELSINKI, NOPE.

4. do you wear shoes with high heels?
- BARELY! I HATE WEARING HEELS.

5. do you like wearing dresses?
- NO!

6. do you have short or long hair?
- LONG HAIR!

7. one length or layered?
- LAYERED

8. how long does it take you to fix yourself up?
- RANGES FROM 30MINS TO AN HOUR.

9. do you have a "kikay" kit?
- OF COURSE. HIHI

10. if yes, what's inside?
- MAKE UP, TOOTHBRUSH, TOOTHPASTE, FLOSS, TOOTHPICKS, HAIRCLIPS

11. how long do you take a bath?
- 5MINS TO AN HOUR

12. do you use conditioner?
- YES BUT NOT DAILY.

13. how do you dry your hair?
- ELECTRICFAN DRY

14. what's your usual hairstyle?
- STRAIGHT, PONY TAILED, PUSOD

15. do you panic if you have a pimple?
- NOPE

16. do you often go to the salon?
- YEAH. AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH

17. when was the last time you went to the salon?
- LAST APRIL! GRABE ANG MAHAL NG SALON DITO!

18. what did you do in the salon?
- HAIRCUT, TREATMENT, LEG WAX, MANICURE, PEDICURE

19. have you ever colored your hair?
- CELLOPHANE ONLY

20. relax? rebond? have you tried those?
- NOPE. I HAVE NATURALLY STRAIGHT HAIR

21. do you paint your nails?
- NOPE

22. what's your usual get up?
- JEANS, SHIRT, WALKING SHOES

23. rubber shoes or sandals?
- RUBBER SHOES!

24.how many piercings do you have?
- ONE ON EACH EAR

25. do you go on a diet?
- YES. BUT ALWAYS END UP BREAKING IT. HAHAHA

26. what brand of napkin do u use?
- NONE OF YOUR BIZ... HIHIHI

27. do you have "rituals" before sleeping?
- TAKE A SHOWER, READ BOOK, WATCH TV, PLAY WARCRAFT

28. do you put cucumber on your eyes?
- NOPE

29. do you fix yourself anywhere?
- ONLY AT HOME OR WASHROOM

30. do u stay inside the washroom for a long time?
- DEPENDS

31. do you have lots of crushes and share them with friends?
- NOPE.

32. do you blush whenever you see that specialperson?
- I THINK SO. HIHI

33. what do you look for in a guy?
- SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME. I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION TONS OF TIMES IN MY OTHER ENTRIES.

34. is it fun being a girl?
- OF COURSE!

35. what do you feel answering this?
- BEING A LADY IS SOMETHING I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR =)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Friendster Survey #8

1. Would you marry for money?
no

2. Have you had braces?
nope

3. Could you live without a computer?
never

4.If you could live in any past time period when would it be?
i dont think i would like to live in the past

5. Do you drink enough water?
lately, not much

6.Do you wear shoes in the house or take em off?
take them off. wear slippers or usually walk barefoot

7.What are your favorite fruits?
mango, fresh cherries, banana

8. What is your favorite place to visit?
hmmm... im loving helsinki more each day. but id love to visit new places.

9. Are you photogenic?
nope

10. Do you dream in color or black and white?
i dont know. hahaha. i dont pay attention to color while dreaming.

11.Why do you take surveys?
for the sake of having something to do.

12. Do you drink alcohol?
occasionally

13. What is the most beautiful language?
english. the places ive been are english speaking countries.

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
hmmm.. how will i know? im asleep! but i would like to wake up by my special someone kissing me. hehe.. sweet!

15. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?
sunset

16. Do you want to live until u get 100 y/o?
i dont like that. i might be too old and sickly. i dont want to be a burden to my family.

17. Is a flat stomach important to you?
yes

19.When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights switched on or off?
lights off

20. Do you believe in magic?
maybe

22. Do you like to watch cartoons?
yeah. i still like watching simpsons, kid notorious, futurama, southpark

23. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?
i think around 9-10

24. Do you write poetry?
i used to when i was younger but not anymore... i lost my poetic side

25. Do you snore?
i dont regularly snore. but i think when im too tired and had more than 2days straight of no sleep, i would be snoring na.

26. you sleep more on your back, front,or sides?
front

27. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
poodle

28. Are you basically a happy person?
when im not depressed and at the brink of losing my sanity, yes i am.

29.Are you tired?
right now, no. had too much sleep.

30. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?
nope.

32. How many phones do you have in your house?
in our aptmnt here in helsinki, i think 3 mobile phones and no landline.

33. Do you get along with your parents?
yes

34. Do u smoke?
yes.

36. Do you like/love anyone now?
yes.. very much

37. What do you do when you're sad?
take a walk, stare at the sea, smoke, talk to somebody, go shopping

38. What you need most now?
a loving hug from HH

39. What song you listenin to now?
mp3's HH sent me yesterday

40. What are you craving for?
a kiss and a hug from HH

Monday, July 11, 2005

My New Addiction

Ive been marathoning Smallville since yesterday. It's really a marathon! From 8:30am to midnight. hahaha. My boss introduced me to this winamp internet tv. it airs all the seasons of Smallville. Im falling in love with Tom Welling each hour. hahaha.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

What do I really want in my life?

I went out again. I was not supposed to go out today but something in me told me that i needed a walk and fresh air. And so I went to malmi. It's still somewhere in helsinki but far from the city center. It's somewhere in the suburbs of helsinki. As always, i went to the mall. Walking for me equates to going to malls. hahaha. I didnt actually buy anything special. I was there to windowshop and to think.

What do I really want in my life?

I admit there was a point in my life that i was willing to embrace the kind of life that the architect wanted to offer me... being a housewife, take care of his 3 kids, live in cebu, maybe have more kids, eventually study again and put up my own business. That was the kind of life that for a time I looked forward to until it suddenly disappeared. I am amazed at how things can change so fast because of just a single incident. I got disappointed because I am a person who plans ahead and it pains me when my plans dont get executed.

Back again to the question, what do i really want in my life? Definitely, I want a normal life. Normal life means there wont be any complications with my family and with my future husband's family when we finally decide to get married. I dont like exes meddling with our affairs anymore. Before we decide to get married, I want us to make sure that we dont have hangups with our exes so there wont be issues to deal with when we're already together. Financially, both of us should be earning. If my future husband wont be earning more than what i am earning, then he should be willing to accept that and wont argue with me about it in the future. No matter how rich he is, he cant stop me from working... well maybe stop for a while when i give birth and when our baby is still too young. But still, i will have my career back. I want to live abroad. It's not that i dont like the philippines. I just want to get a taste of life outside of the philippines. It doesnt mean we will live there for the rest of our lives. I just want to try it maybe for a couple of years. And that is something my husband should be supportive about. what else? hmmm.. i cant think of anything else.

Btw, spoke with my ninang from the US last monday. She was asking me if I want the programming job in the US that she's offering. Hmm... I havent decided yet. Im not even taking it seriously because that means ill have to migrate to the US. I dont think im ready now to migrate... much more in the US! US is actually my last choice of country to migrate to. Europe is still on top of my list. I asked HH about it and of course, he had violent reaction. Ill have to think about it and make a decision soon though.

Im also thinking of moving out of my parent's house in manila. I dont know.. I just suddenly thought of being independent. hmmm... maybe after 3 more trips here in helsinki so that i can save enough to buy my furnitures when I move out.

Hayyy... 3 weeks to go before coming home. Yehey! I am excited to be home. =)

Friday, July 08, 2005

Ive accomplished 4 out of 7

Almost 3 months ago, i posted a list of the things i would like to accomplish during my 3 months stay here in helsinki. im posting it again to check which ones ive accomplished.

1. Visit Helsinki zoo --- Last year I planned to go there but unluckily, I got sick during my scheduled week to go there.

Ive accomplished this last month before punzi left for manila. We went to the zoo with cheng and joseph(accenture peeps). Bad thing was we went there around 7pm already so some of the animals were already asleep. =(

3. Save at least 100k from my per diem --- I was able to save as much last year, I think i can save more this year because im staying here longer. Not unless i will be on shopping spree again. Hahaha.

As of today, my SA balance is more than 100k so I guess ive saved enough! Woohoo! i still have 3 more weeks worth of per diems and my salary which i dont really spend here. And for the record, i also did lots of shopping here. hahaha.

5. Buy new walking shoes --- I know i shouldnt put this in my list because i would do shopping for sure. Hahaha.

I bought one already during my 2nd week here in helsinki. hihihi. I just cant resist buying walking shoes here. =D

6. Visit some other mall in Finland --- Ive heard that the farther you go from the main city, which is Helsinki, the cheaper the commodities are. Maybe I'll try going to the suburbs and do my shopping in the malls there.

Ive been to Tapiola malls and Iso Omena. Those are the malls in Espoo, Finland. Honestly, i didnt like the malls that much because it was too small and sale isnt that great either.

I still have 3 things to accomplish in my list. im not so sure if i will be able to accomplish them. =( But nonetheless, at least ive done majority of it. 4 out of 7! not bad!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

To the architect

I dont know if you will still be able to read this. I just want to tell you a couple of things that i realized since the day we finally decided to let each other go.

thank you. thank you for all the things we've shared with each other. my life will never be the same without you. and i really mean it. i know we've had so many rollercoaster rides during the past 6 years. i may not have been the perfect girlfriend or even a perfect friend to you but i want you to know that i did my best. sorry for all the hurtful words and offensive actions ive made towards you. for all it's worth, im really sorry.

i think this is the best decision we've made for ourselves. thank you for making things easier for me to bear. i hope that you are doing good yourself. i hope that one day when we finally see each other, we can just smile and laugh at the past. I will look forward to that day, kyle. i believe that we can both move on and be good friends in the future.

i am doing pretty much ok. HH and i are doing really good lately. You're right, he can make me happy. ive never been more appreciative of the things he does for me than now. he can take good care of me. i am perfectly in good hands. I hope you find the woman who will not hurt you and will make you happy. open your eyes. sometimes, we get blinded and fail to see this right person because theyre too close to us and get overlooked at. it will make me happier if you find your happiness too...

you take care. goodluck to both of us. god bless you.

your friend,
me

Friday, July 01, 2005

Friendster Survey #7

1.What do you think of courtship?
>>> honestly, i dont believe in courtship. it's putting the guy's best feet forward so i dont see anything good about it because when youre into a relationship, things arent the same anymore. id rather get to know the guy while we are into a relationship and if things work, then fine. if it doesnt, then break up.

2.Do you believe that friends can be lovers, but lovers can never be friends?
>>> nope. i am good friends with my first ex.

3.Do you believe that you can learn to love someone even if you dont really love that person?
>>> i dont know really. ask me again after 2 years if my relationship with somebody right now will work.

4.Who is your ideal partner?
>>> ive got a long list really... probably ill just write a separate blog about it.

5.Have you met your soulmate?
>>> maybe. i dont know. sana ive met him na because i dont want to meet a new person who will end up hurting me again. i guess ive had enough na.

6. Is it true that love fades or it just lessens?
>>> i dont think it fades nor lessens. it just develops to another kind of love just like platonic or friendship.

7.Have you really let go of someone?
>>> yeah. i guess so... with ex #1. it took me a while though.

8..How many bfs/gfs have you had?
>>> 3

9.Are you always serious when it comes to relationships?
>>> all serious!

10.Which one do you prefer, friendship or relationship?
>>> i am in a relationship. i guess ill choose relationship. hihi

11.Why?
>>> the person im with now knows how to take care of me, appreciates that i am with him, he shows me that he needs me, would want to spend the rest of his life with me, loves being with me, loves to make me happy. should i ask for more?

12. Have you fallen in love with your bestfriend?
>>> yeah. ex#1. we're still good friends now even if

13. Have you fallen in love with someone you regret on loving?
>>> no. when you love someone, you should never regret loving them even if theyve hurt you. loving is all about taking risks. if love is true, it is always worth the pain.

14. if yes, why do you regret?
>>> ....

15. Are you in a serious/fling relationship right now or just plain single?
>>> serious relationship

16.Are you a player?
>>> not anymore. will never be one again

17.Are you serious with your relationship?
>>> yes

18.Are you a martyr?
>>> i think i still am.. hahaha

19.Do you believe in marriage first before living in or vice-versa?
>>> yes. but at times i still feel scared talking about marriage

20.Why?
>>> i think women are more prone to abuses if they go on a live-in arrangement. walang habol ang babae dun sa guy.

21.Are you a still say yes person or a no,no, no when it comes to reconciliation with any of your exs?
>>> i dont know, honestly. will cross the bridge when i get there.

22.Do you look ahead to your future or do you look behind to your past?
>>> i try to look at the future. past is past. let it go.

23.Why do you think most relationships dont last?
>>> because of incompatibility and probably not the right circumstance and place.

24.Do you really think love can conquer all?
>>> yes

25.Whats your motto when it comes to love?
>>> love like there's no tomorrow.